Rosa Hepworth, Disability Officer, shares her experiences as a student with AuDHD – a diagnosis she received much later, but has since helped her make sense of some challenges she faced in a university environment.

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During my three-year undergraduate degree, I rarely went out, I sat in the same spot in the library every week-day, and I made one friend. These are what I understand now, as a late diagnosed AuDHDer, as accommodations. I had many, and they meant that I was able to get my two degrees and have some fun along the way.

At the time, however, I saw them as flaws – ways in which I was failing to meet the ever-present, and seemingly countless, expectations around what and how I should be doing at university. I often felt surrounded by expectations, some I was meeting and even exceeding, and others not at all. Being able to use my chopping board, apparently, was an expectation that everyone in my halls had apart from me. And it’s a fair expectation, right? We were a group of adults in a shared kitchen. The fact that I felt more anxiety at the idea of someone using it than I did about exams, and more distress when someone did than when I failed an assignment, was my problem (it definitely wasn’t, but I didn’t understand the differences between allistic and autistic minds at the time).

Internal motivations, sensations and emotions can already be more difficult to recognise as an autistic person due to differences in interoception, and if you are in an environment that is not Autism-friendly, the ones that are strong enough to be noticed might often be unpleasant. It can thus feel easier to avoid our neurodivergent internal compass, and just try to meet those expectations that are laid out so clearly for us by TV, social media, and those around us. These were three of mine:

How to succeed at university:

Step 1. Make at least 3 friends (Looks okay, and is practical in case one drops out or stops liking you).

Step 2. Memorise your timetable so you aren’t late to lectures.

Step 3. Have 2 chopping boards, one to hide for yourself and one to share (helps with Step 1).

I ran a very tight ship at university. I think mainly because the sail has holes in it and my captain sometimes falls asleep (i.e. I have both Autism and ADHD). But she was also very much put to the test. Social interaction, crowds, ambiguous messaging from academic/ admin staff, sexual objectification from male students (i.e. a loss of control over my own body) and unpredictable demands (i.e. a loss of control over my own routine), were some of the daily experiences that challenged me the most.

I had it in my mind that this is the way the world is – and if I can’t handle it, that’s on me. If you also lean towards black and white thinking and internalisation, you may feel the same – however it is not the full picture. In this world are places, connections and routines that are safe and fulfilling for you, and can also help you achieve your goals at university. Perhaps, like me, using certain ‘expectations’ can help guide your decision making. Any strategies that help you feel a little safer are worth exploring, but remember – your needs are never the problem, and you are capable of meeting them without trying to be someone else.

I am still close with my friend, and I still use my lovely chopping board – I am grateful that I protected her.

Rosa Hepworth